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I never saw myself as a mom. As a child I wasn’t one who played with dolls or planned out my future wedding or dreamed of being married. After graduating high school my goal was to be an independent woman and have a successful career. I majored in engineering, not because I was particularly interested in engineering, but because I heard it was a high paying occupation. Then, my last year in college I became a Christian.
That completely changed the trajectory of my life.
Seven years after becoming a Christian God brought me a godly man. He was certain he wanted children, but I wasn’t so sure. The thought of having kids scared me. So many people had told me kids would change my life completely. They told me things would never be the same, my life would no longer be my own. And as a woman who had always wanted to be independent and successful, that scared me. And I the lie the world tells us about children, that they are a burden and a hindrance.
Yes, kids are a lot of work! But they are designed to be. Children are completely dependent upon us from the moment they are born, even before they’re born. As they grow they become less dependent upon us, but the work that happens between infancy to adulthood isn’t just about the growth that happen in their lives. Raising children causes parents to grow up too.
Nothing matures us like the responsibility of having a human life completely dependent upon us for everything.
When the nurse laid my oldest son in my arms for the first time, it shifted something inside of me forever. Life was no longer just about me, or even about me and my husband, but us, our family.
In one way those people were correct. My life was changed forever, but for good. I loved that little thing in my arms so much that I was committed to being the best mom I could be.
After we brought our son home the weight of the responsibility God had given me as a mom was heavy upon my heart. Yes, I was responsible for keeping this human alive, giving him food, changing his diaper, putting him to sleep. But I was just as responsible for meeting his spiritual needs as I was his physical needs.
Meeting his physical needs was exhausting but at least I felt like I knew what was required to keep him alive physically. I just needed the strength and energy to do it!
It was his spiritual needs where I felt completely lost.
My greatest desire for my kids is that they would know and serve Jesus. I struggled with fears that my children would not choose to serve Him when they leave our home.
As I prayed through these fears, faith began to grow in my heart, faith that as I trusted God for guidance in how to disciple my children for Him, He would show me the way.
My daily prayer was that God would be real to my children. One day during prayer His still small voice said to me, “If you want Me to be real in the lives of your children, allow Me to be real in your life.”
That was a message I needed to hear. As we are honest with God and allow Him to deal with us and correct us on a daily basis, as we have hearts that are tuned in to hear His voice and obey, we create that kind of atmosphere in our homes. As the parents go, so goes the child.
God encouraged me to be the kind of Christian I want my children to be when they grow up.
So now I had a direction, a word from the Lord to stand on. I could move forward with confidence that God had heard my prayer. He was with us and would actively work in the hearts of my children.
Only one problem…
I wasn’t the kind of Christian I wanted my children to be. I fail often, every day.
See I’m a very flawed person. And I sensed that pretending to have it all together, especially around my kids, would teach them that it’s not as important to love Jesus as it is to act like we love Jesus. A real Christian allows the Lord to sift through the issues of their heart and reveal the ways they are not like Christ. Then they allow the Holy Spirit to change them from the inside out. A real Christian deals with difficult heart issues because they love Jesus, they want to be like Him and they want to obey Him.
The more I allowed God to sift through my heart, the more things I saw inside of it that were not Christlike. There were some really ugly things in there.
There were days I sincerely wished my children had a better mom. I loved them so much that I wanted them to have a mom that was better than me. They deserved and needed so much more than I felt I could give them.
I had the desire to be that mom for them, but didn’t believe I had the ability to pull it off.
So the only option I had, besides faking it, was to become that better mom they needed in real time as I was with them every day. That was the only way.
But I didn’t really like that option because it was often messy.
There were days I just wished I could pause my life, go away to a conference or retreat, learn how to be a good mom and come back a new and better mom. But there’s no pause button! And true change takes longer than a weekend, or a week or a month.
My boys and I would have to grow together, at the same time.
I remember the first time I tried to have a family devotional with my kids. I was so excited! My boys were 4, 3 and 1. I had planned to sing a song with them and discuss a scripture from the Bible together. This was going to be great!
But, it wasn’t great. It was far from great. One boy was adamant that he wasn’t going to sing. Another was crying because I had interrupted his Lego time. They resisted my lead. They complained and argued the whole time. As my dream of having a sweet devotional time together crumbled, I became angry and had a melt down, right in front of them, Bible in hand. I screamed at them to sit down and listen. I told them how bad they were being for not obeying their mom. When I finally calmed down and stopped my rant, I saw their huge blue eyes looking up at me in fear, even the youngest.
All kinds of thoughts flooded my mind. So many fears had been bubbling beneath the surface for so long and this seemed to be my tipping point, the real life example proving all those fears to be true.
In my mind I heard things like:
“You’re such a bad mom.”
“Who do you think you are to lead a family devotional?”
“They don’t listen to you.”
“You don’t know how to do this the right way. Other moms do but you don’t.”
“This is useless, a waste of time.”
When I came to my senses I put the little one in his playpen and told his brothers to go back to playing. I went to my bedroom closet and cried. I felt so defeated. So ashamed.
The hard part was it was only 8 AM in the morning! I had the whole day left to go but it felt like the whole day was already ruined. How could I recover from that? No one was coming in to help or do this for me. Meals still had to be made, diapers changed, clothes and dishes washed. But how would I face them again? How could I go back in there? How could I act like a loving mom after that horrible display?
What was the right thing to do? I wasn’t sure. I was still shaking with anger and frustration.
After repenting to the Lord and asking Him to forgive me I went back to face them. I went to each one individually and apologized. I told them mama behaved really badly. I asked them to please forgive me, even the baby. I think they did. But it was a long time before I could forgive myself.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first or last time I acted like this in front of my children. And I could make every excuse in the world for my behavior, but at the end of the day I had to be honest with myself and the Lord. I was the one with the problem, not them.
Yes, they needed to learn self control, but so did I.
I wanted to be a good example to them. I wanted them to have a stable, mature mom. But I was the only mom they had. No one else was coming in to take over. If I was going to be a good mom, I would have to change and deal with the issues in my own heart, the issues I had hidden and ignored for years. I didn’t have to. I had a choice. But if I wanted God to be real to my children, I had to allow God to be real to me.
God isn’t Lord of our lives until we allow Him to touch the places in our hearts He wants to touch. We must allow Him to have His way in the areas we want to hide away and protect. If we want His healing, saving power to flow freely to us and through us into our homes, we must allow God to be real in our lives.
The reason I started Grace for My Home was because I know how it feels to wish your children had a better mom.
If you are one who feels that way I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug and tell you I understand. It’s going to be okay, if you don’t give up.
The important thing is that you have the desire to do better and to be better. That desire is from the Lord. He loves you. He cares for you and your children. He’s promised to help us.
I’ll share with you some things I would tell my younger self if I could go back to the day of that failed attempt to have a family devotion with my boys.
Don’t Give Up
Don’t stop trying to do the things God has called you to do or showed you to do in your home for your family. Keep doing the right things, even imperfectly.
Be Honest and Transparent
When you mess up, don’t try to shift the blame to your kids, your husband, your hormones, your past. Be honest. Admit you messed up. Admit it’s you who has the issue. One way to do this is to ask your kids to forgive you.
Spend Time with Jesus
Commit to having personal quiet times with Jesus because that’s where we are changed into the image of Christ. We become what we behold. Use those times to pray and listen.
It’s called quiet time for a reason. You can’t hear from God easily when you’re in the middle of the busyness of life. When we draw near to Him and quiet our hearts and minds, it’s easier to hear His voice. Draw near to hear.
Let the Holy Spirit use this time to deal with your heart, to put His finger on the things He wants to change. Learn to listen and obey.
Change the Atmosphere
Change the atmosphere of your home as God changes the atmosphere in your heart. Decide what kind of home you’re going to have and what kind of mom you’re going to be. You get to decide. Speak life over yourself, your children, your home. “We will have a home full of love and patience and grace as we grow together in God.”
Remember God’s Grace is Sufficient
Live in grace. Don’t frustrate the grace of God by refusing to receive it. It’s the only way to successfully do the things He’s called you to do. He has enough grace for your home, family, heart, and mind. Lean into His grace. When you mess up forgive yourself and move on.
Celebrate Your Growth
Encourage your children when you see growth in them and do the same for yourself. Call a friend and tell them about your success even if it seems small. Pat yourself on the back. Celebrate your successes. If we only focus on our failures they will seem to grow and multiply. The same is true of our successes.
Don’t Give Up
Yes, I realize I’ve already said this but it’s very important! We don’t fail unless we give up. Keep trying. Keep believing. Keep obeying God’s leading, even imperfectly. You will see progress if you don’t give up.
God Bless!
© Audrey McCracken, 2024
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