To listen to the podcast episode for this post click below:
Do you also struggle with feelings of inadequacy, missing the mark, or not measuring up? I want you to know, you’re not alone.
There’s hope in knowing that even if I stumble toward the finish line, as long as I stay in the race until the end it’s going to be okay. It’s enough.
I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. Because I had no example of what a Christian home looked like, I was afraid I wouldn’t get it “right” and my children would suffer because of my inadequacies. So I was determined to “get this right.” I was fearful of failing so I looked for a formula, a set of rules I could follow to guarantee my children would grow up to be believers and love Jesus.
In math, when you plug the right numbers into the right formula you pop out the right answer every time. Formulas are great when it comes to solving math problems, but not so great for raising children. We can’t use a formula to pop out perfect children. Children aren’t problems to solve, but people to love. Like us, our children are made in the image of God, which means they have their own unique personalities. There is no one else exactly like them. And though we all have things in common and human behavior can be predictable to a certain degree, our children are individuals with a will of their own. Like us, they resist when they think someone is trying to manipulate or coerce them.
Sometimes we can desire so much to raise our children for the Lord that we gravitate toward those who offer us a prescribed formula for raising godly children. They may even promise a guaranteed outcome if we follow their step-by-step instructions. It’s understandable that we would be drawn towards a proven method, especially if what we’re doing doesn’t seem to be working and we feel like we have no idea what we’re doing. But there are no guarantees.
Always remember God is the only perfect parent. He placed His children in a perfect world without sin. And they still chose to disobey Him. I heard someone say this week, all homes, even Christian homes, are broken to some degree because we are all broken to some degree. We are imperfect people striving towards a perfect God.
I’m a huge advocate of seeking wisdom in areas where we lack it. And I think God often brings us His wisdom through other people who have been in our shoes. They can help us look at things through new eyes because they have a wider perspective. They’ve been where we are and have come out on the other side. I’d rather learn from their mistakes than my own.
But we need to be careful not to fall into formula thinking. Formula thinking is believing there is only one right way, and if I can find that “right” way and follow it exactly as prescribed, everything will work out the way I want it to. That’s not true.
The hard thing about formula thinking is after we’ve followed the formula and if it doesn’t work out like we thought it would, we can get angry and offended. Sometimes we get offended at the one who gave us the formula. We feel like they lied to us or deceived us. Sometimes we get angry at ourselves. We feel like somehow the fault lies with us. Maybe we chose the wrong formula or maybe we didn’t follow it close enough. Maybe we didn’t say the right words at the right time or correct every wrong immediately. If only we had just tried harder!
And sometimes we get offended at God. If we believe the formula is God’s way and it doesn’t work as we expected, it can feel like God has let us down.
Well-meaning people can take scripture and godly principles and turn them into a formula and then pass that method off to others as “the Biblical way to raise our children for God” because it’s based on His scriptures.
So it can be implied, either explicitly or implicitly, that not following their method is the same as not obeying God. I’m not saying their way is wrong or bad. There may be some godly principles we can draw from their method. It may honestly be the way God led them to raise their children and their children may have flourished in it. But it’s not necessarily the way God is calling you and I to raise our children.
Part of growing in wisdom is learning how to be led by the Spirit of Wisdom, and that’s the Holy Spirit. Seeking wisdom from others is good. But we must also learn to recognize the wisdom God has for our own unique situation. If this seems impossible or unattainable for you, please don’t be discouraged. Learning to be led by the Holy Spirit and walk in His wisdom is something we can all grow in. God will help us. The Holy Spirit is inside all believers to lead us into all truth. But it takes time, years really.
Always keep in mind that when someone else, and this includes me, gives you advice on how to raise your children, it’s just advice. It’s someone else’s opinion based on their limited knowledge and usually drawn from their own experience with their children. They don’t have your background, personality, gifts, husband, life situation, or children. They don’t have your unique puzzle. There may be many wonderful, helpful things you can glean from them, but everything may not fit you and your home. And that’s okay. It’s not supposed to.
Parenting isn’t just different from family to family, it’s different from child to child. It used to frustrate me when older moms would say things like that to me. I would think, “Well, I don’t have time to develop a different ‘parenting style’ for each of my children. I don’t even know how to develop just one! Just tell me what works and I’ll do that.”
But walking by formula can keep us from walking by faith.
Walking by formula is following the right rules so we’ll have the right outcome. Formula doesn’t focus on relationship. If we aren’t careful we’ll obey the formula instead of growing in wisdom or listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.
Please understand, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have rules or consequences for bad behavior or that there aren’t good, solid principles we can adopt when it comes to raising our children. I’m constantly seeking godly principles I can stand on and trust.
What I am saying is that it is wise to be sensitive to and led by the Holy Spirit as a mom instead of going on autopilot. Develop your own parenting style. Decide how you are going to parent your kids. But stay flexible. Stay teachable. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you the way. He knows what our children need and He can help us in difficult situations that we don’t know how to handle. He can help us see if our children are being willfully disobedient or if they just need a snack or a nap. He can help us mature so we can help them mature. He can help us put relationships first. He can help us to protect and treasure their hearts. He can help us be wise in His wisdom and not our own.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6
If you think this is pie-in-the-sky or not possible (at least not possible for you), I want to assure you that it is possible for you because this is how God parents us, with wisdom and relationship. As He parents us, we are learning to parent our children.
But it requires us to walk in faith and not fear or formula. I believe we gravitate towards formula thinking because we’re afraid of messing up, so we look for the “right” way and we look to the “experts” to show us that way. But even the best “experts” are not experts on your child. You are. And if you don’t feel like you are I encourage you to start seeing yourself that way.
As moms we can study our children, their ways, and their personalities. We can learn what works best for each of them, what speaks to our child’s heart, and what doesn’t. Sometimes we miss it big time, and we don’t need anyone to tell us. It’s obvious! But sometimes we get it right, we strike the right chord and it sounds beautiful. We need to remember and make note of those times so we can repeat them later. By God’s grace we can use our successes and failures to learn how each of our children operates, what makes them tick. If we listen closely they will show us their heart and we can learn how to shepherd them and help them grow and mature.
Relationship is always the key to our children’s hearts. It’s how God made them and us. We are drawn toward those who love us and have our best interests in mind. Correction is always hard. I hate being corrected. It hurts my pride. But it’s so much easier for me to be corrected by someone who I know loves me and wants to see me grow. Our children are the same way. When you secure their hearts, it will be easier for them to receive your correction. Notice I said easier, not easy.
How we see ourselves in this process is so important. If we see ourselves as always failing we will always fail because we don’t believe we can succeed. But if we see ourselves as growing and learning, even if it feels like we’re far behind where we should be, then we will have a teachable heart and grow right along with our children. If we see ourselves as growing in wisdom, we will seek wisdom and find it.
No matter where you are in the process try to keep a teachable heart. I’ve found when I start thinking I’ve got this parenting thing figured out, I stop depending on the Holy Spirit. Then something will happen that humbles me and reminds me of my need for Him.
One of the hard things about raising children is that just when you think you have it figured out, the rules change. The rules for babies change when they start to walk and talk. And then little kids become big kids and the rules change again. Then they become teenagers! And we’re humbled yet again. In about six months I’ll have three teenage boys in my home. And most days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m still leaning on Jesus. I mess up so many times. But they know I love them and love covers a multitude of sins. I’ve learned that this mama gig will always be a faith walk. No one can tell me exactly how to do it, even if they think they can. The Holy Spirit is my Teacher. He may use others to teach me, but He is always my true source of wisdom.
So be encouraged, precious mama. Learn to lean on Jesus. Learn the difference between walking by faith and walking by formula. God promises to always give wisdom to those who ask for it. Ask Him to teach you godly principles. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you and guide you into all truth. He will help you. He will show you the way. Focus on securing your child’s heart, not on enforcing the right rules. Yes, children need structure and correction, but correction without relationship breeds frustration, for you and them. You are raising little hearts for Jesus. And that’s an impossible job to do without Jesus. But He’s got your back. He’s cheering you on, and so am I.
© Audrey McCracken, 2023
If you found this article helpful and you’d like to say thanks, click here to buy Audrey a coffee.
Leave a Reply