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Do you ignore your own needs because you’re constantly meeting the needs of others? Do you fight feelings of resentment because of the constant work involved in being a mom? Does your life often feel crazy and out of control?
One of the traits of a mature person is being able to identify the things we need to be healthy and thrive and to take responsibility for getting those needs met for ourselves. No one else is going to do that for us, nor should they be expected to. Yes, God can do supernatural miracles when we need them. Many days when I’ve poured out all day long and feel like I have nothing left to give, He has graciously supplied me with the energy and strength to get to the end of the day. But He’s also given me the wisdom, knowledge, and resources to create a sustainable life so I’m not always running on empty. He wants us to grow in wisdom so we can meet the needs of those He’s given us to take care of.
We must take care of ourselves so we can take care of those we love. Having a martyr mentality may seem spiritual or self-sacrificing, but it’s not a good long-term strategy.
There’s wisdom in getting clear on what our needs and responsibilities are, and learning to get our needs met so we can fulfill those responsibilities.
Kids are by nature immature and often don’t recognize their own needs. That’s what we do as parents, meet the needs of those who can’t meet them for themselves. As they grow and start recognizing their own needs they become increasingly able to take care of themselves. Often they want to do things for themselves before they’re physically able to. They want to be independent. That’s what growing up is all about. One of our jobs as parents is to help our children become capable and independent adults because one day we won’t be there to help them. They’ll be on their own.
That’s part of life, part of growing up. And it’s true for us too. As moms we are also growing in maturity, learning to monitor and meet our own needs on a consistent basis. We can get so busy meeting the needs of others that we never stop to evaluate our own needs. This may seem self-sacrificing and loving, but our children really need to see us modeling what it looks like to be a mature adult who takes responsibility for their own well-being. By being that example we are teaching them they have a right and a responsibility to look after their own needs. We are showing them how to live healthy and stable lives. They need that.
When my boys were very young I went through a mild health crisis. (It didn’t seem mild at the time but as I look back I recognize many have been through much worse.) It seemed my body was falling apart. My heart was jumping out of rhythm which eventually required heart surgery. I had hives all over my body and couldn’t sleep because of the constant itching. I went to the emergency room for kidney stones. I was struggling with headaches and had other ailments. The list went on and on!
I had always been healthy, full of energy, and rarely sick, so I felt like a stranger in this body that was refusing to cooperate with me. It seemed like all these issues had sprung up from nowhere. But they were just the fruit of a hidden root. The truth is I had never taken care of my body. I had always demanded so much from it but had given little back. I never thought about my diet unless it was in terms of losing weight. I’d never thought of what kind of nutrition my body needed to perform well. I prided myself on my ability to function on very little sleep. I saw sleep as a burden, a waste of time, especially when I had so many more important things to do. And who has time for exercise? My exercise was running small children around all day.
I had always expected my body to function well and help me do all the “stuff” I demanded of it without complaining. But this season was a wake-up call for me. It was as if my body was saying, “No! I’ve had enough. I’m not doing this anymore.”
My mini-health crisis forced me to consider my own needs. I didn’t think I had needs, not needs that mattered. I cared more about meeting everyone else’s needs. I was on a perpetual cycle of ignoring my own needs in order to keep things going, crashing because I couldn’t go anymore, and then being resentful of everyone else around me who looked to me to meet their needs. But this wasn’t their fault, it was mine. I had done this to myself. I just wasn’t sure how to fix it. I felt stuck and helpless. All of my work still had to be done. If I didn’t do it, who would?
I had to come to grips with my own limitations and give up the martyr mentality of sacrificing my own health for the sake of others. My family didn’t need me to run myself into the ground to prove I loved them. They needed me to take care of myself so I could continue to be there for them in the future.
We must come to terms with our own priorities and needs and set up the appropriate boundaries and routines to make sure our needs are met on a consistent and reliable basis. That’s our responsibility. No one else is going to do that for us. If we don’t do this for ourselves our physical and mental health will suffer and so will those who look to us, those who aren’t able to meet their own needs yet, namely our children.
It has taken me years to come to terms with and accept this truth as a part of life. I’m stubborn and set in my ways. But as this truth has finally sunk into my brain, it has brought me greater freedom. I thought doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted was freedom. It’s not. It causes more problems than having a structured routine with clear boundaries. Why? Because it may seem like freedom to do what I want, when I want and how I want, but I’m not free of the consequences of those decisions. And it’s the negative consequences of my bad decisions that limit me and take away my freedom.
For example, when my boys were small they needed me all.the.time. It felt like I could never get 15 or 20 minutes to myself just to pray, read, or do anything by myself. I’m an introvert. I love my time alone. I crave moments to just sit and think…alone! But with three young children all under the age of five, it felt like that time of my life was over and I was sad. It felt like a part of my life had died. I know this may seem dramatic to some but I believe I have some fellow introverts who understand.
So my solution was to stay up late, extremely late, so I could enjoy just a few minutes of quiet time for myself. I would try to hurry my little ones to bed, tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. They never stayed. It was a production. Finally, when everyone was in bed asleep, including my husband, I could have my time alone. I was so excited!. At 9 or 10 pm, I would make a cup of coffee. (Because what good is time alone without a cup of coffee?) I would enjoy, or try to enjoy, my time alone before I fell asleep on the couch from exhaustion. I would wake sometime during the night, brush my teeth, and stumble to bed only to rise again in a few hours and do the same thing the next day. Crazy I know. I thought my greatest need was time alone. But I really needed sleep. But I had always done fine without sleep. What I didn’t know was my body was not the same as it was 10 years prior. My life had changed and I refused to admit it. I ignored my need for sleep and, over time, things got rocky.
I was angry and short-tempered all the time. My body started rebelling against me. I felt like my body was falling apart. I knew I wasn’t using wisdom but I craved times of peace and quiet. I didn’t realize by not looking after all my own needs I was throwing my body and life out of balance. I wasn’t able to be there for those who needed me most because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was dealing with constant guilt on top of the physical issues. I was a mess.
Little by little the Lord started dealing with me about how to come out of this hole I had dug for myself. I just didn’t understand the power of my unmet needs or my power to create a balanced life for both me and my family. Noticed I said a balanced life, not a perfect life. A balanced life isn’t a perfect one. To keep your balance you have to be able to feel when something is off-kilter and be willing to make the necessary adjustments. It took me a long time to learn how to listen to my body and to trust myself to make those necessary changes. I’m still learning.
But I want to enjoy this life I’ve been given and live it well. If I’m not taking care of myself, recognizing my own needs, making plans to meet them, and creating routines that make them a priority in my life, I won’t enjoy this life and I’ll become resentful of others, those I’m pouring into constantly at the expense of my own health.
These were not easy concepts for me to put into practice. Yes, I knew them in my head and would agree they were important but implementing them in my life was another matter altogether. I just didn’t know how to change my ways. I kept telling myself, “This is just the way I am.” But that kind of thinking didn’t get me anywhere. It made me feel trapped and doomed to live life as a victim of my circumstances.
So how did I change? Slowly. Very slowly. What did I do differently? I started by setting up guidelines for my own sanity. Notice I said guidelines, not rules. When I hear the word rules I want to break them. They make me feel confined and restricted. But guidelines help me feel in control, in the driver’s seat, like I have choices.
Here are a few guidelines that have helped me as I’ve grown in this area. I hope they will give you ideas of changes you can make to help your specific situation to help make your life more manageable.
Mature people recognize their own needs and take responsibility for meeting them, not looking to others to do for them what they can do for themselves.
It’s good and right for us to take care of ourselves by getting clear on what our own needs are. We must give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves as well as we do others. Say to yourself, “I will take care of myself as if I’m someone I care about.”
God has given me free agency to create a balanced and healthy lifestyle for myself and my family.
I can be kind and generous with myself. I can create a life that works for me and my family. We don’t have to live in perpetual craziness. I will start cutting out unnecessary commitments and obligations that drain my time and energy. I give myself permission to disappoint others rather than sacrifice my health or the health of my family for their approval. I will establish a daily and weekly flow that serves our family and our priorities.
Rest should have an established place in our daily life and routine.
By grace, I can make rest a permanent part of our home life. I can make it a part of our everyday routine and weekly flow, even if it’s not perfect or the exact way I want it to look. Sabbath rest is so important to God that he included it in the Ten Commandments. Jesus said the Sabbath was created for man, not man for the Sabbath. God knows we need rest, but, I think, he also knows we wouldn’t take it unless it’s a priority. Our bodies can’t go and go and go. Neither can our minds. We may keep going for a long time but our work will not be our best and our thoughts will become negative and be reflected in our attitude. When we are constantly giving out without taking time to be refreshed we can become resentful of the very ones we are serving because our needs aren’t getting met but theirs are.
Busy seasons will always come but they don’t have to send us back to the spiral of craziness and chaos.
When busy seasons hit our routines may falter, but we can learn to flow with the busy times and come back to our established routines once they pass. We can return to the systems and rhythms that work for us. In our home, weekends send our routines out the window, but Monday is my reset day. I have grace with myself and others on Mondays, telling myself, “This is reset day. Things feel crazy right now, but we’re doing what’s needed to get back on track.” This gives me a feeling of control and gives my family a feeling of security and predictability.
When I need help I will ask for it and acknowledge my own limitations.
God has made us social creatures. There are times when we need help from other people and it’s okay to ask. So few of us today have natural support systems. I’m blessed that I live near family and friends who I know I can call on when I’m overwhelmed or need help. But I know there are many who do not have that kind of support system. If that’s your situation, I encourage you to look for others with children about the same ages as your children and build relationships with them. That way you will have someone to call when you need a hand. You can help and support each other. Sometimes you just need someone to watch the kids so you can run to a doctor’s appointment. But after your appointment please take 20 minutes while you’re out to sit with a cup of coffee while surrounded by adults, and don’t feel guilty about it. Or if coffee isn’t you’re thing, walk through a craft store or the mall and pretend you have no kids for a few minutes. Maybe even buy yourself something nice. You may not think you need this time, but you do. And your kids and husband need you to have this time for yourself so you can come home happy and refreshed.
Commit to growing in wisdom and grace in this area of taking care of yourself and meeting your own needs.
It’s not one-and-done. It’s a constant journey of taking care of what God gave us and becoming the mature people He created us to be. When we learn the art and pleasure of saying no to the secondary things so we can say yes to the primary things we grow eager to learn and grow more in these areas. When you become an expert in accessing and meeting your own needs you will not feel like a wave tossed to and fro in the wind. This kind of growth and security is very satisfying. Once you’ve tasted it you’ll want more.
© Audrey McCracken, 2023
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