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Moms are the most loving and giving people in the world, always ready to help and serve. We give and give, sacrificing our time and energy for those who matter most to us. But serving well and making it to the end in one piece requires us to be intentional about where and how we serve. There’s only so much of us to go around. And the opportunities around us to serve and give are endless. If we don’t put first things first, we’ll wear ourselves out and not have enough energy or time to take care of our families.
I like how Proverbs 31:16 in the Amplified Bible describes a wise woman:
“She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.”
Proverbs 31:16 (amp)
A wise woman “expands prudently.” She doesn’t rush to take on a new responsibility without thoughtfully considering if it’s the best use of her time, even when it’s something she really wants to do. She does “not court neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties.” She’s learned not to take on more than she can handle. She evaluates her current responsibilities before she takes on new ones because she understands she can’t do it all and do it well. If she takes on too much, some things won’t get done. And she doesn’t take the chance that her most important assignment, her family, may suffer because of it.
Many times over the years this verse has reminded me not to rush into new projects until I’ve prayed first. And it’s helped me not commit myself to something, even something I really want to do, before I’ve seriously considered how it will affect my current responsibilities. I’ve learned to do this because in the past I’ve overestimated my own ability to get things done and underestimated the time it would take me to do them.
We’ve all done it, over-committed and regretted it later. And it leaves us feeling defeated and powerless. But we don’t have to constantly go back to that place. We can learn and change the way we make ourselves available to others.
There is an old Indian proverb I like very much. It says: Children tie the feet of their mother. No matter how much we love our children we must admit they are a lot of work! And it’s not because there’s something wrong with us or them. It’s part of the job. Raising kids well, pouring into them, training them, and loving them takes a huge amount of time and energy to do it well. Being a mom is one of our most important assignments. We can’t do it flippantly or on the side. It requires commitment and intention. Yes, we can be successful in other areas of life. We can have successful careers and ministries while being good moms. But we still have to make our families a top priority through it all.
As you know, when we have children everything changes. We aren’t as free as we once were. Now we’re responsible not just for meeting our own needs but meeting the needs of our children. When they’re born they depend on us for everything. It’s only a season but it’s a very demanding one. When kids are young we have to limit the commitments we make so we can be available for the ones who need us most. As they grow they need us less and we can often pick things back up, but our family should be a top priority through all the seasons. This can be a shock to the system when we’ve always had plenty of free time and energy. At least it was for me.
Also, if you’ve been a people-pleaser most of your life who hasn’t learned the art of gracefully saying no this can be especially hard. But for your sanity’s sake, I encourage you to decide now that you will let go of any unnecessary commitments that are draining your time and energy, and limit any new ones that will stretch you too thin and wear you out.
Life doesn’t have to always feel chaotic and out of control. There are things within our control we can do to help tame the feelings of overwhelm. We can create a life that’s manageable. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be better.
During this time when your kids are little and need so much of you, say no to outside commitments that are draining you. None of them are as important as your sanity, your family, and your health.
Learning to say no can be wonderfully freeing!
Whenever I overcommit myself I end up feeling exhausted and resentful. Sometimes it makes me feel better to blame others for my poor decisions or inability to say no rather than taking responsibility for my own actions. Then it’s not my fault, right? But that kind of thinking leaves us feeling powerless and unable to change the things that we don’t like about our life.
I’m much better at saying “No” now than when I first became a mom because I’ve found the peace it brings into my life and home. And I would love for you to enjoy that peace too.
I’ve learned that during certain seasons it’s necessary to say no to things, even things I really what to say yes to, when they are too much for me to juggle, and still be there for my family consistently. It’s okay to disappoint others who we would otherwise like to help or please. We’ve got a responsibility to put our family first.
I’ve also learned that it’s not always “others” that I have to say no to. Sometimes it’s me! There have been times when I’ve had to give up things or say no to things I really wanted to do. I think that’s even harder than saying no to others people because I’m the one who’s left disappointed.
Below are six tips that have helped me prioritize my family and get my chaotic schedule under control so I could enjoy my family and not just endure them.
Guard your calendar!
Not everyone deserves a spot on your calendar. Your calendar is valuable real estate.
Sometimes just looking at a busy week on my calendar can make me feel stressed so I try to limit what I put on it, meaning what I commit myself to each week.
Block off times for your family and for rest. Give yourself plenty of margin. Let the goal be less on your calendar rather than more. Keep it simple. Remember, motherhood is a demanding job. Limiting other commitments isn’t selfish. It’s wise.
Don’t immediately answer the requests of others
When someone asks you to commit to something don’t feel pressured to give an immediate response. Tell them you’ll check your calendar and let them know. That gives you some time to really think about it before you commit. Giving yourself that extra buffer will help you make the right decision and help you not make commitments you’ll regret later. Also, it gives you the option of texting the answer back to them. That way you don’t have to get into a discussion where you talk yourself into saying yes when you don’t want to.
Learn the art and skill of saying “no” gracefully
For years I had a hard time saying no because I didn’t want to seem harsh, selfish, or unwilling to help. But I’ve learned the skill of saying no in love and with grace.
You can learn to say no without an apology, without feeling guilty, and without an explanation. And, most importantly, you can feel good about making the right decisions for your family. You can have more peace and enjoy not having a crazy, unruly schedule just by learning to say no with a smile. Another benefit is the self-confidence that comes from making yourself and your family a priority rather than an afterthought. That’s a major accomplishment for us recovering people-pleasers!
Put those who need you most at the top of the list
If we don’t put those who need us most on our calendar then they will get pushed aside by those who we make time for on our calendar.
Schedule times on your calendar for your husband and kids. Make them a priority. That way your calendar will reflect your true priorities. Having time with your family scheduled on your calendar greatly increases the likelihood of it actually happening. Otherwise, they may get bumped to the bottom of your list by people who are less important but requires a spot on your calendar.
Pray
This may seem obvious, but we often forget to pray before we commit ourselves to things that will take a significant amount of our time and energy. If you’re not sure if you should say yes to something, pray first. God promises that if we as Him for wisdom he will give it. Don’t neglect to make him a part of the decision-making process. He knows what tomorrow holds, we don’t. He will help us make the right decisions.
Discuss it with your husband
If you’re married, ask for your husband’s opinion. Discuss it with him before making a final decision, especially if your commitment will affect him or require his help to make it happen. Wouldn’t you want him to do the same before making a decision that will affect you? He may have the insight you need since he’s looking at it from a different perspective.
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I hope these ideas have been helpful. Learning to say no is one of the first steps in establishing healthy boundaries and we all need them. When we respect our own boundaries we teach others to do the same.
It’s a way of saying to yourself: “My life matters. My time matters. My plans matter. Maybe my life isn’t perfect but we don’t live in chaos either. I’m creating the kind of life I want by putting things in their rightful place.”
Let’s grow in grace and wisdom. Let’s become the strong, confident, and loving women we desire to be.
© Audrey McCracken, 2023
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