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A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about training our children versus teaching them, and what that looks like. In it I shared five tools that have helped me train my children in the areas where I believe the Lord has asked me to. (You can read that post here.) After publishing it, I received a question that I’d like to answer.
The question: “How do I train or correct my child in an area where I myself feel weak or struggle, or in an area where I’ve never been trained?”
This is an excellent question! I think it’s something all Christian moms face. As a young mom, I felt unqualified in so many areas. God was (and still is) dealing with me about my own heart and need for growth. In those early years, when I had to correct my children in an area where I didn’t feel like I was doing well myself, I always felt like a hypocrite.
It felt wrong for me to issue consequences to my kids for bad behavior when I felt like I had been an example of that bad behavior. Did they learn this from me?
One of the areas where this was particularly difficult for me was the area of self-control. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and it’s an area we all need to grow in. Without self-control we can know what’s right, but not be able to put it into practice in our own lives. Proverbs 25:28 reads, “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.”
I want my children to know what self-control looks like and how to walk in it. But there was a long season when I struggled with anger. (I dedicated a whole podcast episode to sharing my story about dealing with anger as a mom. You can listen to it here.) During that time I honestly felt like I couldn’t control my outbursts of anger and frustration, no matter how hard I tried. Anytime I had to correct one of my children in that area I felt like a total hypocrite. How could I possibly correct them when I was such an awful example? But if I didn’t teach them, who would?
I remember reading Proverbs 29:11, “A [shortsighted] fool always loses his temper and displays his anger, But a wise man [uses self-control and] holds it back.” (The Amplified Bible). I pleaded, “Lord, I want my children to be wise, not foolish. Help us grow!”
Somewhere along the way I settled in my mind that my children couldn’t wait until I had all my issues resolved before I started correcting and training them, even in areas where I struggled. They’d still be waiting! And since I was the only mom they had, and the parent who was with them most of the day, I knew it was up to me to train them, even in areas where I felt like a failure. No one else was going to come into my home and do this for me. And my heart’s desire was to send my children out into the world as men of character, prepared and trained to do what’s right.
But how do we train others in areas where we fail often? Especially in areas where they see us fail? Sometimes we just have to do it anyway, even when we feel like a hypocrite. As imperfect as we are, we are the moms God has given to our children. We are an important part of God’s plan for their lives, warts and all.
Thankfully, I also learned a few tips along the way that have helped me and my kids grow in grace. Remember, while you are parenting your children, God is parenting you. These five tips have helped me move forward in training my children despite my own character flaws.
Be Honest and Walk in Humility
First, being honest about our areas of weakness can help us walk in humility. Nothing humbles us like facing our own sins and accepting our need for forgiveness. I made up my mind not to pretend I have it all together, but to be honest when it comes to my own shortcomings.
Sometimes we put on the appearance of perfection because we’re afraid if we don’t we’ll lose other people’s respect and confidence. But I’ve found the opposite to be true. Only the real, authentic you can make a real and lasting difference in the lives of others. When we’re faking perfection, others, even our kids, can tell, and we come off as fake and untrustworthy. They will respect you more and trust what you say quicker when you’re honest about your own struggles.
When we’re upfront about where we are on our journey and where we want to be, people trust us and feel like they can be themselves around us. I don’t want to pretend I’m something I’m not. My goal has been to grow more mature so I can be a better example to my family, but not pretend to be something I’m not in the moment. Without Jesus we’re all slaves to sin. Approaching our weak areas with honesty and humility is a good first step.
Extend Grace
Hebrews 4:15 says of Jesus, “For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.”
Because Jesus has been tempted by sin, he has compassion for us. He understands. He extends grace to us when we’re tempted. Because we’ve received His grace, we, too, can extend grace to our children when dealing with their sins and weaknesses, especially when they struggle in the same areas where we struggle. We know the feelings they are feeling, how hard it is to resist temptation in those areas, and how defeated we feel when we fail. Remembering that our children are also struggling with these same feelings of temptation can help us to have compassion for them as well.
The golden rule, to treat others the way we want to be treated, goes for our children too. We don’t have to turn a blind eye to their wrongdoing but we don’t have to come down like a hammer either. The feelings of our infirmities touch Jesus’ heart. He cares. He is gracious and compassionate. Because of Him, we can be too.
Turn to the Scriptures
When it’s appropriate I like to refer to scripture when I’m training or correcting my children in areas where I’m weak to show them what God requires of us. That way they can see the things I’m teaching them aren’t arbitrary rules I’ve pulled out of the air. These are the ways God wants us all to walk, both parents and kids. These are His ways, not mine.
God’s Word is our standard. All of us fall short of the standard because the standard is perfect and we’re not. But the standard shows us the right direction to aim for. Using scripture to train is a great way to help our children learn to think Biblically and to remind us all how God wants us to think and live.
One caveat here. We should use God’s Word to teach, train, and correct our children, but we shouldn’t use it to scold or punish them. Let your goal be that they would love and respect God’s Word, not dread and shrink from it. Recently, I wrote a post about how to start family devotions. (You can read it here.) After reading it a friend shared with me that his family doesn’t have devotional times together because of his experiences as a child. During his childhood family devotions were times when his parents berated him and his siblings with scriptures from the Bible. There was no grace, encouragement, or compassion. Please be careful not to scold your children with God’s Word. If you do they may end up fearing it but they won’t love it or be drawn to it.
Pray and Grow Together
We are all in this together. As Christians we are all being transformed from faith to faith and from glory to glory. Tell your children honestly, “I struggle in this area too. Let’s pray together and ask God to help us both.” Then pray together.
Let them see that being an adult doesn’t mean we’ve got it all together, and being a Christian doesn’t mean we don’t sin. Show them that all their life they will need to lean on Jesus in some way because we are all weak without Him. We all have places where we struggle. But we can also grow stronger, mature, and have breakthroughs together. And praying together is a great way to lean on Jesus as a family.
Celebrate Successes
The goal is progress, not perfection. We need to have our eyes open for little successes to celebrate along the way. We can be so focused on finding and correcting faults that we forget to celebrate successes. When we’re focused on mistakes it can be discouraging and make change feel impossible. That goes for both you and your child.
When you or your child make progress in an area where you’ve struggled, take a minute to stop and celebrate that success together. Draw attention to it. Whatever you acknowledge and praise you are watering, and you’ll see more of it. Don’t let the negative overshadow the positive. When we celebrate growth it builds hope that change is possible. We help our little ones want to obey and do what’s right. So have your eyes open to see when they are trying to do right, even if they fail. Trying and failing is better than not trying at all. Trying is evidence of a heart that wants to do right, even if it’s struggling. That’s the first step to succeeding.
I hope these five tips encourage and inspire you in your mama journey. We are all growing together. God is for you, not against you. Lean on Him and let Him work in the hearts of all those who live under your roof, including you. God Bless!
© Audrey McCracken, 2023
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