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When we post photos of our family on social media it’s usually photos of our best days, where everyone is cooperative, no one has a meltdown, and everyone is smiling. But the days I remember the most from our early years were the days when everything went wrong. I had days that were so bad that I questioned if I was ruining my children.
One of my children has perfectionist tendencies. When we were homeschooling handwriting lessons were the worst. It would take him hours to complete one sentence from his handwriting workbook. There were always tears, always. If the letter he was copying had one tiny-teeny imperfection it was a full-blown crisis. It had to look exactly like the example in the book, no imperfections or variations. There were many days I just couldn’t pull out the handwriting workbook. I knew everything would go downhill from there.
Math was another area where tears flowed freely. But my conscience wouldn’t allow me skip math as often as handwriting. So I looked for the most fun math curriculum I could find, anything to make math seem fun. But the truth is math is hard, especially for those who have a really hard time being told something they did is incorrect. For some reason whenever I corrected any of his work my son saw it as a judgment against himself instead of what it was, a wrong answer on a math worksheet. I struggled to find the right math curriculum. I searched for one that he would like, or at least not hate. But I couldn’t find a math curriculum that would alleviate his meltdowns and my anxiety when it came to our daily math lessons.
One day while cleaning I was listening to a podcast by one of my favorite homeschool mentors. He said something that caught my attention. He was doing a Q&A episode. Another homeschool mom asked what to do for her son who hated math. My ears perked up when I heard the question, but his answer wasn’t what I expected. He said, “Your son doesn’t hate math. No child hates math. He hates not knowing math.”
That seemed like a strange thing to say. I begged to differ. I wanted to agree with my fellow homeschool mom. My son hates math too. But as he went on to explain I understood what he meant.
We hate not knowing. In order to learn we have to admit there is something we don’t know, a concept we’ve not grasped, an idea we don’t understand. This is humbling. And can be a little scary, depending on our make-up.
To learn something new means I’ve come to the edge of what I do know and I’m reaching out into the unknown where I don’t feel secure or confident in my own abilities. I’m not sure what way to go. I need someone to help. It takes humility to admit we don’t know something and to ask for help, especially if it’s something we think we should know.
Not knowing, not understanding something can be a hit to our pride, especially when it seems to come easy to others around us. We can feel inferior, less than, even fearful. There are times we would rather stay in the comfort zone of the things we know, surrounded by all the things we understand and have mastered, than to branch out into the areas where we feel inferior. But if we stay in the safe-zone, our circle stays small and we don’t grow.
Thinking about my son’s struggles with math in this light helped me in my approach to math and other areas where he struggled. It didn’t automatically solve the problem, but my grace level went way up. And I stopped wasting time looking for the perfect math curriculum because I sense that wasn’t the problem. Little by little we made progress. Today he’s excellent in math and will be taking AP Calculus next year in high school. Math wasn’t the problem. He didn’t hate math. He hated not knowing math.
After recognizing this scenario with my son I started recognizing similar patterns in my own life. There were areas where I became easily frustrated because I felt like I should understand things I didn’t understand. I would actually avoid dealing with some things because they felt overwhelming to me. It helped me to see that what I really hated wasn’t that “thing.” I hated not knowing how to deal with it. The not knowing made me feel insecure and uncertain. I was embarrassed to ask for help in some areas because that meant admitting to others that I didn’t know something I thought I should know. I was afraid others would find out I was basically faking it most of the time. See how this can become a trap?
Unlike my 10 year old struggling with math, I’m an adult. And it’s just not socially acceptable for me to have public meltdowns! So I would just retreat in the areas where I felt deficient, never growing, never learning, held captive by my fears. When we don’t face our fears we give them power. They grow larger in our minds until they seem larger than life. We hide them in a secret place inside our hearts, ignoring them, hoping they go away. And shame keeps them there, untouched and unchallenged.
The Lord encouraged me to change the way I saw areas where I felt stuck, areas where I wanted to grow but didn’t believe I had the knowledge or wisdom to do so. He encouraged me to adopt a growth mindset, ever learning, ever growing.
A person with a growth mindset is teachable, correctable and humble. Instead of hiding what they don’t know in fear of others finding out the truth and thinking less of them, they humble themselves to ask for help.
A person with a growth mindset has decided it’s better to risk looking and feeling foolish in order to grow in true wisdom and understanding.
When I was raising young children I felt like I was missing important information, information that all the other moms had. I felt awkward, like I should know so much more than I did. I was embarrassed to admit that I felt this way. I felt insecure about almost all of my decisions.
I asked the Lord, “What’s wrong with me?” He showed me I hated not knowing the things I think I should know. Actually, I feared it. I knew I lacked answers to many of the daily decisions I had to make and wisdom for many of the situations I found myself in. I felt anxious about making the wrong decisions. I was afraid I would look foolish if I admitted this. So I limited my circle.
Being a mom is not a competition. Don’t make it one. It’s not you against the perfect moms of Instagram. It’s not you versus the moms who always seem to know what to do in every situation. It’s about growing as a mom and giving yourself permission to make a bad decision or have a bad day without throwing yourself to the curb. Giving more grace to our children begins with giving more grace to ourselves.
You are on your own path. Go at your own pace. You’re walking with Jesus not racing against others. You can grow in God’s wisdom everyday. As you do, you will see growth but it won’t be instant.
We hate to wait. We want it now. Growth, true lasting growth takes time. God is doing a good work inside of you, not a fast one.
Become a student of the Holy Spirit. Listen to Him in real time. Ask Him to help you. Find other mothers who you connect with and look at how they do things. (Real life mothers are ideal. But for many years my mentors were books and podcasts.)
This is what Titus 2:3-5 means. We are all on the same path. Some women are ahead of us. Some are behind us. We can receive something from those ahead of us. We can give something helpful to those behind us. But we aren’t racing against each other. The goal is for us all to make it to Heaven together.
We are all following Jesus. But we can learn from each other along the way. Jesus has taught me some things. I’ll teach you what I know. But Jesus has taught others. Find out what they know.
One day you too will need to pass down what Jesus has taught you. Wisdom is very precious. But it’s only valued by the wise. He will send wise women to give you wisdom and wise women who value the wisdom you give.
But we must remain teachable, coachable and correctable, or we won’t be able to receive anything or grow beyond where we are now. God wants so much more for us. He wants us to grow way past our current circle with its limited mindsets and fears.
It takes a desire to grow, patience and honest self-awareness. But it’s worth it. So worth it.
God Bless!
© Audrey McCracken, 2024
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