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Training vs. Teaching
Training and teaching are not the same, though we often talk about them like they are. Learning the difference between training and teaching helped me to find a new place of faith and patience in my work as a mom.
I know that sounds like an exaggeration. But hear me out.
When we know the difference between training our children and teaching them, we have a more realistic view of what it takes to give them the skills, knowledge, and faith they need to become successful adults.
In this episode, I share five tools that can help make our work of training our children easier.
Training is showing, modeling, correcting, disciplining, and working with someone until the desired outcome is secured and displayed in that person’s life.
Teaching is telling. Training is showing.
Teaching deals with the mind. Training deals with the will and the heart.
Teaching is like showing someone the road they should take and instructing them to do so. Maybe you’ve been down that road and you know what you’re talking about. You may warn them of the pitfalls they will face on the way and even tell them about some nice places to stop for rest along the way. A mature and motivated person may be able to take your suggestions and follow the road as you instructed, but not a child.
Training is taking someone by the hand and walking down the road with them. You are making sure they are walking on the path by going with them. When they run to some bright and shiny object off the way, you are there to draw them back onto the path. You teach them the signs of trouble ahead and how to prepare as you walk together. You can snatch them from the dangers that come their way because you’re with them. When you’re weary from the long journey, the two of you can rest together and enjoy each other’s company. Adventures are always better with someone to enjoy them with!
Hopefully, as they grow older they will know the path as well as you do and will need less and less supervision. Soon, they’ll be running ahead of you to the next adventure. The goal is for them to be able to walk the path independently and, eventually, show others the way themselves. But that takes a lot of training, teaching, and love. It’s not a quick process.
Training is similar to discipleship, but that term is usually reserved for training someone on how to live a Christian life and follow Jesus. Discipling our children for Christ is part of our calling as mothers, but our training and teaching encompass more than just their walk with Jesus. We are training them in character, manners, life skills, relationships, and more.
The thought of training your children in ALL those areas may seem overwhelming to you. You may be saying, “When am I supposed to find time to train my children, work, cook meals, wash dishes, and make sure everyone has something relatively clean to wear?”
Well, you’re probably already training your children to some degree now, even if you don’t call it that. You’re pouring so much of yourself into them just by being with them and loving them. Training can happen naturally just by being with them daily.
Jesus said when a student is fully trained he will be like his teacher. He didn’t say he will be like his teacher taught him. He said he will be like his teacher. When we realized they are becoming more and more like us as they spend time with us, we usually start being more intentional about how we train them and what we are teaching them. At least that’s how it was for me.
As a young mom, I often felt like something was either wrong with me or wrong with my kids. I would teach them what to do but most of the time they didn’t do it. So I felt like a bad mom. Or I thought maybe something was wrong with my kids! It felt like I was constantly punishing these disobedient children! But as I learned more about training versus teaching, I realized we are ALL like that. We ALL resist training and correction. It’s part of our nature.
Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (emphasis mine)
There are so many things I wish I could say about training, but for today I will share five tools that can help make our work of training our kids easier. These are not the only ones, but they have been very helpful to me.
Modeling
I’ve touched on modeling a bit already. The life you live before your children plays an important role in influencing them for the Lord. God designed children to learn by mimicking others. We have to give them something good to copy. I must live the kind of life I want them to live. I must be the kind of person I want them to become.
Let’s give them a good example to follow.
Habits
Habits, good or bad, literally make pathways in our brains. Your brain is designed to create habits so you don’t have to constantly stop and think, “What should I do next?” or “What does this situation call for?” Habits reduce the amount of brain power we use to make everyday decisions. They let our brains work on autopilot by giving us automatic responses to frequent events or situations.
Helping our children develop good habits can help them learn the right responses in many of the situations they will face every day.
For example, we live in the Southern part of the United States, and my mother-in-law has trained my children to always, always answer an adult with “Ma’am” and “Sir.” Now, I have also taught them this because I think it’s good manners, but she is adamant! Even as teenagers she always corrects them if they forget to address her or other adults this way. My youngest son told me this week his soccer coach ask the team to call him by his first name and not use “Sir.” But my son can’t do it, even when he tries. Saying “Sir” is so ingrained in his brain that it comes out automatically. That’s the power habit.
Will good habits guarantee good behavior? No. Like us, our children always have a choice to obey or not. Good habits don’t take their choice away. But training them in good habits is like taking a machete, and cutting out a path for them to follow in the jungle of choices and decisions they must make every day, choices that can be influenced by so many things. When the path is made clear it’s easier to stay on it. It takes more effort to go outside of our established habits than to stay in them.
Helping your child develop good habits is giving them a gift for life. When it comes to training your children, good habits are your friends, your helpers.
Relationship
The stronger your relationship with your child, the easier it will be for them to receive your training and correction. You’ve probably heard the saying: “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care.” That’s also true for our children.
I’ve done an entire podcast on the power of relationship. It’s called “The Power of Relationship – The Key to Your Child’s Heart.” I encourage you to listen to it here if you haven’t already.
Relationship is truly the key to our children’s heart. And that’s what we want, heart change. Training that doesn’t reach the heart is not going to produce the desired result or a lasting change. It will only be surface-level. Our goal is to help our children obey us and want to obey God even in our absence. That’s heart change. And it can only be obtained by grace, love, consistency, and wisdom. And that’s what we give them when we are walking in a close relationship with them.
When your children feel close to you and know you love them unconditionally it helps them want to please you and be a blessing. Please, understand, I’m talking in general terms. I’m not talking about when you’re in the checkout line at the grocery store and they’re throwing a tantrum for candy. At that moment they don’t want to please you. They want candy! But when emotions settle (yours and theirs), a strong relationship allows them to receive your correction because you have access to their hearts.
They need to feel secure in our love.
The strength of your relationship helps them accept our correction and instruction. Love is full of grace. Love catches us when we fall. Our hearts crave closeness and love.
Let your goal be to love your children with such a strong, mature, and secure love that when they mess up (and they will often), they will run to you and not hide from you.
Teaching
Teaching is a part of training.
Training is teaching over and over and over again, without giving in to discouragement when you don’t see the results you’re looking for quickly. Training our children takes time, patience, and wisdom.
Think about the kind of things you want to teach your children before they leave your home. What do you want to pass down to them? What do you wish you had been taught as a child?
Here are some ideas:
Social skills such as manners, talking confidently with others, and self-control
Life skills like cooking, cleaning up after yourself, and washing clothes. (Daily chores is a great way to teach these.)
Spiritual truth about God, Jesus, salvation, and the Bible.
Financial literacy such as saving, giving, and keeping a budget.
These are just a few. Write down the things that are important to you. Enjoy thinking about the things you want to teach them before they leave your home. This is the first step in making a plan for working these lessons into your family life.
Prayer
In his book Raising Your Child to Love God, Andrew Murray writes, “Daily prayer is the secret of training our children for God.”
If we are going to raise our children to love God and train them for His service, it will have to be by His grace. And we often find His grace in prayer.
Prayer is our connection to Heaven. When we bring our children to the Lord in prayer, we are placing them in His capable hands and giving Him access to their hearts. The Holy Spirit is the true teacher. He is the one who opens our eyes to God’s truth and makes it real in our hearts. He is the only One who can truly give your children a heart to love and serve God.
God wants to help us. In prayer we can bring God our shortcomings and our children’s. In prayer His strength can take up where ours runs out.
So many times when I’ve been discouraged in training my children I’ve taken my heavy heart to Jesus in prayer. As I lay my burdens at His feet I’ve been able to walk away from my prayer time a little lighter. The answer to my problem may not appear immediately but just being with Him gives me hope that He’s heard my prayer and the answer is on the way.
Prayer is essential to our work in child training. Otherwise, it’s just us working hard in our own limited strength and wisdom. Through prayer, we tap into His unlimited provision. That’s what we need.
I hope these thoughts have encouraged and inspired you to see your home as a place of training and discipleship. God has great plans for you and your children. We have the awesome privilege of being workers together with Him in building His Kingdom in our homes.
© Audrey McCracken, 2022
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